Sometimes I wonder who I'm doing all this for. I go to school for my parents, I study for my teachers, I go to class to give other people my notes, I dress up for other people, I bake cakes for other people, I do everything for other people. Its gotten to the point where I only rationalize things by who they benefit the most. Like, if I continue this just because all my friends want me too, its fine. I only just realized that it completely isn't fair to the other people involved. But here's the catch, I don't know if it was entirely just for my friends. I didn't really realize it until today and what I had done had all sunk in. It hit me so hard and so fast, all I wanted was a bunch of popcorn and chocolate.
Its not fair that things happen on tv and in the movies how everyone finds their "perfect someone" instantly. Its always obvious who they end up with: Scarlett and Rhett, Danny and Sandy, Peter Pan and Wendy, Ross and Rachel, etc. It would be super fantastic if in life, the first guy you meet you fall madly in love, you get married and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, those are all fiction.
For someone who is so traditional and concerned with raising a family, I don't have the best role-models: Julia Child and Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart isn't married, unless you count being married to your work because her marriage failed. And Julia Child didn't marry till she was like 40 and she was a virgin until she met her husband. I always thought I wanted to be like these women but I don't want to be divorced and I don't want to be a virgin at 40 and childless!!!
I don't know what exactly came over me but I think a lot has to do with the fact that all of my friends have "the one" Kristen's got Howie, Jessica has Yan, Troy doesn't really have to worry about finding someone because he could get whoever he wanted, and a large majority of people I know have a significant other and are in a SERIOUS relationship.
I really just want things to be like the 50s, relationships weren't all about sex they were about getting to know each other in hopes that they could get married. I don't want this let's just do this to kill time because thats not who I am. I always assumed that once I got to college, everything would be different from high school. The thing is though, nothing is really different at all. The drama is still abundant and I just hate it. I hate feeling like every move i make is scrutinized by everyone.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
So apparently I missed the memo that everyone else got today: It's everyone piss off Hannah day. So i go to class this morning, someone cuts me off at the stop sign, and then i get to the garage and can't find a good parking spot. Then I go to chem class and am utterly bored because apparently, education majors are dumb blondes and have to ask the most ridiculous questions. Then I go to the library and all the good seats are taken and i have to use the outlet that looks like you'll get electrocuted if you plug into it but hey, i don't! (its sad that this is the high point of my day) Then I head off to music and my day is looking up, the elevator wasn't a long wait and i didn't have to stop at every floor! WHOO HOO!!!! But then when I get to music class, I'm venting to my friend Amy and this girl comes and sits next to me. No big deal, i like people. But then things start to get ugly. She brought a can of diet coke with her to class. My general rule of thumb is don't bring open containers to class, chances are, they'll just make a mess. So I guess she thought it would be a good idea to put it on the little fold out writing desk thingy. Then she takes the desk and tips it to get something from her bag, well wouldn't you know, that can slid right off!!! Who would have thought?! Not the dummy sitting next to me apparently. So where did the can go? you might ask, oh you guessed it! Right in my lap. It COMPLETELY soaked through my lap and the seat and my coat. So now, I have to sit through music class, sticky and damp. She didn't offer to clean it up or get me paper towels or anything. Real nice, huh? Well as class progresses, this intelligent person next to me, keeps rocking the little writing table thingy right into my leg. She did it at least 20 times. What?! It isn't bad enough you made getting through the rest of my classes unbearable, you just HAD to give me a bruise too?! Gee thanks! You're really just TOO kind. I mean really, you must be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO freaking proud of yourself!!!