Sometimes I wonder who I'm doing all this for. I go to school for my parents, I study for my teachers, I go to class to give other people my notes, I dress up for other people, I bake cakes for other people, I do everything for other people. Its gotten to the point where I only rationalize things by who they benefit the most. Like, if I continue this just because all my friends want me too, its fine. I only just realized that it completely isn't fair to the other people involved. But here's the catch, I don't know if it was entirely just for my friends. I didn't really realize it until today and what I had done had all sunk in. It hit me so hard and so fast, all I wanted was a bunch of popcorn and chocolate.
Its not fair that things happen on tv and in the movies how everyone finds their "perfect someone" instantly. Its always obvious who they end up with: Scarlett and Rhett, Danny and Sandy, Peter Pan and Wendy, Ross and Rachel, etc. It would be super fantastic if in life, the first guy you meet you fall madly in love, you get married and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, those are all fiction.
For someone who is so traditional and concerned with raising a family, I don't have the best role-models: Julia Child and Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart isn't married, unless you count being married to your work because her marriage failed. And Julia Child didn't marry till she was like 40 and she was a virgin until she met her husband. I always thought I wanted to be like these women but I don't want to be divorced and I don't want to be a virgin at 40 and childless!!!
I don't know what exactly came over me but I think a lot has to do with the fact that all of my friends have "the one" Kristen's got Howie, Jessica has Yan, Troy doesn't really have to worry about finding someone because he could get whoever he wanted, and a large majority of people I know have a significant other and are in a SERIOUS relationship.
I really just want things to be like the 50s, relationships weren't all about sex they were about getting to know each other in hopes that they could get married. I don't want this let's just do this to kill time because thats not who I am. I always assumed that once I got to college, everything would be different from high school. The thing is though, nothing is really different at all. The drama is still abundant and I just hate it. I hate feeling like every move i make is scrutinized by everyone.